I needed a place to get everything off of my chest. A place to vent and just write about what was happening in my life. So I created this blog. Here I can write whatever is bothering me, is on my mind, or has happened to me. Instead of bottling it up inside of me like i have for years, i can finally get it out. So here it goes.
My biggest secret- I am not over him and I think i may still love him.
Tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary of when i started going out with my first boyfriend. I remember he asked me out while we were laying in my basement. Ha i almost said no because honestly i was not really physically attracted to him. He was shorter than me, and had glasses, and was kind of scranny. But i said yes. I am not really sure why i said yes, i think it was mainly because i didn't want to say no to his face. He was a nice guy, fun to talk to, and was really into me. Ha that sounds bad and conceded but he talked about me to his friends all the time. I had never had a guy talk about me like he did. He actually thought i was pretty and wanted to spend time with me. This had never happened and i wanted to experience it so i said yes. (Ha another reason was prom was around the corner and I really wanted to go and this got me a date :) ) We dated for almost eight months. I don't remember a lot of the relationship because i have mentally blocked it out but i do remember thinking it was the best summer i had ever had. We went to seperate colleges and being on the soccer team we didn't see eachother as much as we had expected to. At the end of the season we broke up. I ended it with him because we never talked. It seemed like he wanted out of the relationship and i was sick of pushing him into it. So i texted him and we ended the entire thing over texts. Lame but it almost symbolized our relationship. We almost never talked on the phone, always texted. I didn't realize until i got to college that texting doesn't work for relationships. It is impersonal and lying is very easy to do over texts. I hardly text anymore. Anyways we ended and i was heart broken. I remember begging him to stay friends. Thats all i wanted to do because at the time i thought of him as a best friend and i didn't want to lose him in my life. So we were friends. A week later his roommate, one of my new best friends, came down to see me. We chatted about the breakup and i told him how I was excited to still be friends with my ex and how i secretly hoped that during winter break we could hook back up and potentially get back together. Thats when he dropped the biggest bombshell on me. He told me my ex had been cheating on me the entire time. Everything was a lie. I was devasted. And now my ex was going to start dating the girl he was sleeping with while we were dating. I sent him a message on facebook and ended it. I ended everything. Told him that i deleted his number, his friendship on facebook, and wished that he never contact me again. That i was done with him. He messaged me back one word. "What?" like he didn't know what i was talking about. That was the last contact i have had with him. I have now found out that he has again cheated on his new girlfriend who has also cheated on him, he drinks almost everyday, and smokes cigarettes, and maybe weed, and will be dropping out of college soon. You would think this would make me happy to hear. Make me happy that i got out of dating such a loser. But it makes me really sad. In a way i feel like it is my fault. That if i had done something different during the relationship to prevent him from cheating on me and that we would still be together and he would be the same guys i fell in love with. Its really hard to think about but i do almost everyday. Still. Over four months later i still think about him almost every day. People ask me if i am over him. I say yeah of course but i truely don't know. I don't know if i still love him or if i want to be friends with him or what. I just know i think about him and hope he thinks about me too. All i want from him is an apology. I want an explination on why he did what he did to me. Why he lied to my face every time i talked to him. Why i wasn't good enough to hear the truth. I want to know that at one point in the relationship i was worth something to him. That he regretted sleeping with the other girl. That he loved me. But i don't think i will ever get an apology, ever know if he truely loved me, and i think that is what hurts me the most. And i struggle with it everyday. Now i feel lost. I don't really know what to do now. I had my time of independence. Of going out with the girls and discovering who i am and who i want to be. I lived the single life, but now i want to share it with someone again. But i don't think anyone will like me like the short, scranny kid with glasses did. I don't know if i will find love again. And it scares me.
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